HELLLLOOOOO all ye patient Shaberers! The new myspace page from the happy problem is finally UP and ready for you! Come get your FREE SONG, our first single, "Happy Happy Happy", when you visit www.thehappyproblem.com. WATCH the cute VIDEO! LISTEN to the new TUNES! Be our FRIEND!

And most of all, feel FREE to pass the FREE song to all your friends! It's YOURS! ENJOY!

Did we mention it's FREE?
I KNOW, crazy, right??

Feel free to leave us comments, give us your 2 cents, boss us around and tell us how to get the word out. And we hope you'll be our FRIEND too.

Have a lovely night,
Sam & Co.

www.thehappyproblem.com

HELLO! Yes, it is I, your erstwhile monthly penpal, finally writing to you again. I've been remiss with these "monthly" emails lately, turning them into more like "erstwhile monthly" emails.

(I have finally figured out what "erstwhile" means. I've actually wondered for years, but, like the old camp friend whose phone number you finally acquired but keep forgetting to call, except late at night when it's not the right time, or in the middle of the day while you're hiking and nowhere near a phone, or when you're on an airplane and you won't be waking up said friend and you ARE near a phone, in fact you're probably sitting on it, but no one will let you use it, so it goes with "erstwhile".

Whaaa?

I'm saying that, like calling the old camp friend, apparently looking up the meaning of "erstwhile" wasn't actually important enough to me to get around to it, though I did always wonder what the hell it meant. I've wondered ever since I was written-up in the Ithaca Times back in nineteen-ninety-something, and described as "Erstwhile Ithacan Sam Shaber." Now I must apologize to great local writer Jim Catalano for taking this long to figure out what the hell he was talking about.)

The point is, I USED TO send you letters once a month, and now I don't. I just stopped. Cold turkey. I just disappeared. No more lengthy investigations of boysenberry yogurt, no more running commentaries on Victoria's Secret, no more obsessive praise for "Brokeback Mountain" (sigh). Just silence. Just darn tootin' Shabertastic nothing.

Sorry about that.

And I'm also aware that this lengthy absence must have you all wondering, nay, BURNING with YEARNING to be LEARNING --

Sam--

Okay, fine. But you know I slay myself.

Clearly.

The point is, I'm sure my sudden MIA status has left everyone with only one, overwhelming, aggravating, earth-stopping question--

You mean, Who will win the presidency in 2008?

No, no - I, ah, I didn't mean that question--

Oh, you mean, Will George Bush pre-emptively attack Iran, thus starting the real Third World War and potentially causing the entire planet to go up in a black smoke of oil flames?

Um, well no. I--

OH, you mean the question, the most crucial question, Will the government respond appropriately to the current flood disasters in the Midwest, unlike the completely lame, insensitive, and catastrophic way in which they responded to Katrina?

Ah, yes, I see. No, I meant--

Yes?

Well, a question slightly lighter. A litter closer to home, maybe.

Lighter? You mean like will people accept Jennifer Hudson as a true artist, post-American Idol, or will she instead get stuck in history as just another mere Idol one-hit wonder, like Bo Bice?

Oh, well actually, maybe not that light--

Ah, you mean the question of whether the new "Incredible Hulk" movie, which was just released on June 13th, 2008 and cost $150 million, is actually any better than the older-but-still-recent "Hulk" movie which was released on June 20th, 2003 and cost $137 million?

No. No. Somewhere in between those two, I guess.

Ahh! So that must be the question of whether Jim and Pam will get married in the next season of "The Office"? Yes, we HAVE been burning to know the answer to that question--

NO NO NO! These are ALL wrong, people. Gosh. I MEANT, the burning question of JUST WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? WHERE HAS SAM SHABER BEEN KEEPING HERSELF?

Oh. Sorry. Yeah, okay, I guess we'd thought about it a couple times this Spring. Okay, um sure, go ahead, you can tell us the answer to that.

THANK you. Geez--

As long as you also answer the "Hulk" question, 'cause you know, no need to spend twelve dollars if it's not any better than the last one.

Fine! It's not better! The new "Hulk" is not better! It's the same level of crappiness as the old one. A total waste of $150 million and further proof that much of Hollywood has its head up its own a-- ahem. Happy now? Can we get back to talking about ME now, please? Sheesh.

Okay, Ms. Touchy. Go ahead. Tell us what you've been up to. We'll try to seem like we care.

Wow. Harsh. So this is what happens when a monthly email newsletter becomes an erstwhile monthly newsletter, eh? Point taken, folks. I promise to try and stay more on top of things.

Well I HAVE been busy, and first of all I would like to send a HUGE thank-you to everyone who's donated to the Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Fund in the past two years. We chose the wonderful Jessica Houle as our second-ever recipient of the annual prize for her wonderful work with kids in the trailer parks of Upstate New York, parks similar to the one she grew up in herself. Jessica has created programs for the kids that include hip-hop dancing lessons, environmental education like building a real willow hut on Earth Day, and even money management classes to help break the cycle of poverty and encourage the kids to grow up with the knowledge and independence to lead successful lives. Jessica also created a related program at Cornell to tie the kids in with the students at the university and give everyone a valuable education about life. You can read more about the award and Jessica's story and see pictures below.

And to donate, just visit www.psc.cornell.edu/maribel. All contributions are tax deductible.

So that's one thing I've been working on. But ALSO, I've been putting all the pieces together to release the BRAND NEW DEBUT from the happy problem - my new band. Yes, it's no longer your mother's Sam Shaber, folks. (Or my mother's, for that matter. She's still adjusting.) This album is rockin', punkin', electric guitarin' good times, and I'm very excited to share it with you. The recording features the guitarist and drummer from Gnarls Barkley and the bassist from The Fray, and it was produced by the fantabulous Ethan Allen (not the furniture guy - the other one) who has also worked with Better Than Ezra, Tim Finn from Crowded House, and Daniel Lanois of U2, Peter Gabriel, and Bob Dylan fame. The result is a pop/rock sound something like Jane's Addiction-meets-Tegan and Sara, and we'll be releasing it on iTunes and CD Baby in the coming weeks. And YOU will get a SPECIAL FREE INSIDERS' FREE ADVANCED FREE SONG when you sign up to be our friend on the Myspace page. (Stay tuned for the address and page launch.)

Did I mention that the song will be FREE?

You will also get a SPECIAL ADVANCED CHANCE TO GET THE NEW ALBUM before the rest of humanity, just as a thank-you for being with me all these years and heck, just for bein' YOU.

So stay tuned to the webairwaves for more information and announcements. We've also shot just about the cutest music video of all time and will be posting it on YouTube, and Myspace and Facebook and all other places, for you to spread around, embed on your own sites, tell everyone you know about, and just generally enjoy and watch over and over again--

DID YOU SAY VIDEO?

Well, yes, I--

OH WOW! We LOVE videos! Are there babies eating lemons and making funny faces in this video?

Well, no--

Oh, 'cause we love those. Or are there people sliding down hills and ramming their crotches into poles? Those are HILARIOUS!

No, not really. No people sliding into poles in this one, but--

What about cute doggies riding skateboards?

No--

Cats playing the piano?

No--

Hipsters on treadmills?

Um, no --

Well, WHAT IS IN THIS VIDEO? 'Cause so far it doesn't sound so great, honestly.

A-HA! But that's where you're wrong. Because this video has ADORABLE KIDS, and while they are not sucking lemons or chewing on their siblings fingers or licking pigs' noses, they are DANCING, PLAYING INSTRUMENTS, SINGING ON TRAINS, and just generally mugging it up for the camera. Let me tell you, it's pretty awesome.

SO, when all is in place, I will get back to you with the details and then you will be so in-the-know, so cutting-edge, so hip, Mark Ronson will have nothing on YOU!

Who the hell is Mark Ronson?

Exactly. He's so hip, most of you have no idea who he is. And those of you who do, well, you know how cutting edge he is.

Actually, Sam, we just thought he was smug and kind of overrated.

Fine. Well whatever Mark Ronson is, WE WILL BE MORE. Or something like that.

And now, I must head out into this balmy 100-degree weather to audition a new drummer for the band. So have a wonderful Sammer Shabammer Summer Shummer and stay tuned for more news on the brand-new rock/pop/punk band, the happy problem!

Love,
Erstwhile Sam

The Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Fund honors one Cornell student each year for giving "a remarkable contribution to the spirit of humanity." We thank YOU all so much for your donations of money and emotion to this new program and we want to say that all the applicants were amazing this year, showing incredible selflessness and conviction in their volunteer efforts. From emotional and devoted work with older adults through the Cornell Elderly Partnership, to strong leadership of the Pre Orientation Service Trip, Alternative Breaks, and Cornell Red Cross Club, to passionate tutoring with children through REACH (Raising Education Attainment CHallenge), and work at the Louis Gossett, Jr. Residential Center for Youth, we can see that so much invaluable community work is being done and our hearts are lifted to know about it. We wish we could thank everyone personally!

After thinking about our late friend Maribel and the indelible, unique spirit she she projected in life and which still remains now after her death, we are happy to present the 2008 Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Award to Cornell senior Jessica Houle. Through Jessica's hard work establishing the OURS organization, (Opportunity Understanding Respect Success), which serves and enriches the lives of children and teens in two of the area's mobile home parks, and through her further efforts to connect these children and teens with Cornell students as part of the YOURS organization, (Youth Outreach Undergraduates Reshaping Success), Jessica has shown the kind of creativity, selflessness, and personal investment in a community of people that also characterized Maribel. We love the specific ideas within the programs as well, from teaching the kids hip-hop dance, to building a real willow hut for Earth Day, to education about budgeting and managing money. We believe that the strong foundation Jessica has built, and the personal effect she has had on the people of OURS and YOURS, will carry forward into the future, enriching more communities and more lives. We present Jessica this award as a big "thank you" from us, for honoring our friend's memory through her good works.

We sat down with Jessica recently to find out more about her and her work.

MARIBEL GARCIA COMMUNITY SPIRIT FUND: The Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Fund is excited to present you with our second-ever annual award. Can you describe the work you've been doing in the community around Ithaca?

JESSICA HOULE: I am more than happy to respond to all of your questions. Before I do that though, I just want to say how meaningful it is to me that you chose to create an award in honor of Maribel when she passed away. It is a really positive way to remember someone who was so clearly an amazing person, for both her commitment to the community, but also for her commitment to her friends. On a personal note, I also lost a close friend recently. In May 2006, a student at Cornell, Ian Alberta, passed away in a fire that started in his house in the night. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I hope to find a way to honor him like you've done for Maribel.

Now to answer your questions...

I grew up in Conger's mobile home park, Freeville, NY. As a local to this area, I've grown a great attachment to its people. After I returned from a break in France, I began college at Cornell. Living at home with my father, I looked out my window time and time again at the children passing by. I began to wonder if I couldn't make a difference in their lives. Having grown up there, I knew that the trailer park tended to lead youth down a very negative path. My own sister dropped out of high school, suffered drug abuse, and became a teenage mom.

While I was working at a place called Challenge Industries, where I helped people with mental and physical disabilities develop real job skills, I realized that I could fund my own project using my paycheck. This was my second job, and intended for it to be volunteer work, so I convinced myself that I could support myself off of the 20 hours of work I was doing at Home Depot every week. I began writing grants, and immediately received two major grants to jump start the program in addition to the money I saved from Challenge.

So out of my father's yard sprouted OURS. Kids would come to my yard for two planned programs a week and then soon almost every day just to talk with me. We created plays for the community, hosted community ice cream social events, and had a whole lot of fun. In less than a year, I decided this program wasn't only a nice idea, but it was necessary if these youth were going to find positive role models in their lives that would lead them down a better path. So I started the YOURS program at Cornell to recruit volunteers, I found a large building to hold program at, and I got the Cornell Cooperative Extension to help us out with a van.

Since that early beginning, the program has grown to serve between 20 to 25 kids a semester from two separate mobile home parks, with a volunteer base of no less than 20 volunteers a semester. We run three programs a week throughout the school year as well as summer programming. We also recently received two grants in which we used to hire a half-time staff person to oversee our program and a van to transport the youth that gives us greater flexibility. We also have several other grants that are allowing us to run the best programs we've ever been able to run. Our youth often arrive with low confidence, low academic achievement, and a multitude of behavioral issues. Yet every day, we offer them new opportunities with positive role models who let them know how special they are. And every day, I see a new path being paved ahead of them that they would not see without this program. It's given me a whole new meaning to life to see how much this program means to these youth.

MGCSF: What gave you the courage to start this program?

JH: My inspiration comes from the people who served as role models in my life. From a very young age, there were adults who let me know that I was a valuable person and I could do whatever I wanted. There are also all the great people who came into my life once this idea got started. I heard a lot of people say that there was no way I'd be able to start this program as a student, but there were a few people who really believed in me and said, "If you want to do it, you can."

MGCSF: Can you give us a little background information on yourself? What are some of your interests? What's your major at Cornell? Do you have any particular plans after you graduate?

JH: For fun, I am really into the outdoors and all sorts of physical stuff. I go rock climbing outdoors every chance I get, and I love hiking/camping. I also play volleyball, and like to play badminton and squash when I finally have time. In addition, I really like art. I paint, draw, and sculpt, but that's not as often as I once did it before all this Cornell stuff got started.

At Cornell I study Design and Environmental Analysis with a concentration in Interior Design. If I pursue this field, I might work in ultra green design or science museum exhibit design. However, I am heading off to Colorado for the summer to take a break from design, start climbing more, and pursue some outdoor jobs. I am in the graduate school search process for either Wilderness Therapy or Entomology, but plans change. In any case, I'm going to Colorado with my boyfriend and two adorable, yet mischievous dogs, Cali and Rooney.

MGCSF: What's been the biggest challenge so far?

JH: It's really hard to pin down one thing. It was really hard for me to give up the dictator role though. I had to learn how to turn "my project" into a "community project."

MGCSF: What have been the rewards?

JH: Once I stopped trying to control everything, I learned to inspire new leaders. It's proven to be the most rewarding and unexpected skill I got out of this. Also, I could give you a million quotes I've heard from those kids...and a million accomplishments that no one ever would've expected from them. Those are all the rewards I need. I love those kids and they've shown me that there's so much more to life than money, a job, and a place to live. I now value community as the most important thing in my life. It is the reason that I am moving to Colorado without a job first. I want to seek out the next community I can make an impact in rather than be led to any community.

MGCSF: Any other thoughts?

JH: I wanted to update you about what I will be doing with the money since it's made me very happy. I just received an email from the man who runs the orphanage I volunteered at in India. This orphanage runs on so little, yet it does so much...including sending all of the children to school, running Sunday school for all local kids, running a school program for homeless/street kids, and a medical camp in the leprosy colonies.

It's run by only a married couple and a couple volunteers and they've sacrificed everything to do this for over 20 beautiful girls. I've wanted to help them out more than anything since I came back, but as a student supporting myself, I never had any surplus money. So the check I will be receiving is going to sponsor the newest addition to their family, a 3-year old named Meenu, who just lost both of her parents. Thanks so much. I've really been looking for a way to do something for them for so long and this is exactly what I needed to make a contribution. Thanks again for giving me such an honor. I am very impressed by your desire to keep your friend's spirit alive.

See pictures of Jessica, below.


If YOU would like to help us contuinue the Maribel Garcia Fund, read more below. And HUGE thanks to everyone who's already contributed! We couldn't do it without you.

FUND INFO:
http://www.psc.cornell.edu/maribel
The Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Award, for remarkable contributions to the spirit of humanity, will be given each year to a Cornell student who has made an insightful, selfless, and/ or creative contribution to their community and thus, to the community of human beings at-large. Maribel Garcia ´95 generously shared her glowing presence and creativity with the Cornell and Ithaca community, involving herself with public service in Ithaca, in addition to taking on a challenging academic workload and writing beautiful stories that are insightful about humanity. It is our hope that this award inspires a legacy of students who creatively serve their community.

Sincerely,
Sam Shaber and Amy Rosenberg
The Maribel Garcia Community Spirit Fund
With special thanks to Fund administrator Lisa Elliot





Jessica with kids from the OURS program, center in back with tiara


Jessica talks with people in India


Jessica and a friend ham it up for kids at an orphanage in India

SHOWS IN MARCH:

Thursday, March 20th, 2008 Boulder, Golden, Denver, Arvada, or elsewhere, CO?
HOST A HOUSE PARTY WITH SAM!
Sam is available this night for a house concert (public) or private party in Colorado! Contact info@samshaber.com if you have questions and are interested in hosting the evening! We'll let you know what's involved.
******

Friday, March 21st, 2008 5:00 PM Golden, CO
I-Club in the Student Center
Colorado School of Mines
1600 Maple Dr.
Golden, CO 80401
800-446-9488
http://www.mines.edu
Price: Free
Sam plays at the School of Mines! All-ages welcome.
******

Saturday, March 22nd, 2008 8:00 PM Denver, CO
Sam Shaber & Rob Drabkin
Swallow Hill Tuft Theater
71 E Yale Ave
Denver, CO 80210
303-777-1003
www.swallowhill.com
Price: $10/12 adv, $12/15 day of show
All ages welcome! Don't miss this special double-bill.
******


Hello hello hello! Happy New Year! Happy CHINESE New Year! Happy Valentines Day! Happy Presidents Day!

No, you did not secretly get taken off this list, and YES I did fall off the face of the earth. So sorry. I know your lives have been empty and cheerless without me.

Well, we're not--

Shut up. You've been empty and cheerless. Just humor me.

I wasn't hiding. I wasn't in rehab. Or Thailand. Nothing that exciting, I assure you. I've just been gearing-up to release this new project with the new pop/punk/rock band, "the happy problem." It's kept me off the road for a few months, recording, planning, hiring band members, scripting videos, and other such developmental activities. The recording is finished, featuring members of Gnarls Barkley and The Fray, but no more words on that just yet. We will certainly let you know when we're ready for take off.

In other news, I have a new obsession. Oh it's a big one, people. Bigger than celery. Bigger than Green Day. Possibly even bigger than "Brokeback Mountain."

(And yes, I am so ripped apart by Heath Ledger's death, and no, I can't even talk about it.)

This obsession brings forth deep, guttural sounds from my vocal chords on a regular basis. It causes me to start hyperventilating at the TV screen. It haunts my dreams. It makes it impossible, sometimes, to focus on a conversation.

Well, do tell, Sam! This should be good!

Oh it is, people. Ready?

Ready! Oh, YEAAH Baby. We're ready.

Well, I am obsessed with getting a puppy.

Oh. We thought it was going to be something juicy and sex--

Yeah, well you people have your minds in the gutter, I know that. No, this is not that kind of guttural utterance. This is the kind of guttural sound that arises from me when, say, watching the Westminster Dog Show recently and the beagle, THE BEAGLE, came strutting out on the Astroturf, past the dowdy-clad judges, and full of innocence, pep, verve, and an enthusiasm emanating from every puppy-like cell of its little spotted body.

"UUUNNNNNGHNNNUH!" I groaned in painful ecstasy. This was better than sex, people. This dog, Uno, Uno the Beagle, was just about the most painfully gorgeous living thing I have EVER seen.

And I am driven to distraction on a regular basis by this obsession. Like just yesterday when I attempted to write this jolly epistle to you, had it all planned-out and it was brilliant, let me tell you - deep, darkly witty, enlightening and self-promotional all at the same time, (what else could you ask for in a monthly email newsletter?) Yes, I was totally ready to rock your email world, when suddenly two men with a black lab/boxer mix PUPPY came by my table at the café. And at that point, it was just all over. There ensued an hour-long conversation about the who what where when and how of this puppy; who she is, what breed, where they got her from, when they got her, and how they're training her. She came over to me, licking and chewing on everything, almost swallowing my iPod headphones, and then the iPod itself, and she was softer than the most expensive Gund teddy bear ever invented. And she was REAL. And SO WARM. Oh and did I mention SOFT?

Yes, Sam, you did--

Don't interrupt me. Anyway, said email newsletter did not get written, so here I am, safely sequestered in our tiny apartment in Hollywood, an apartment too small (one room) and inhabited by two people too busy (George and me) to care properly for a dog. Here in this puppyless vacuum, I can finally concentrate and let you know what's been going on. But you see, I know it won't last. Because I know that just outside that door lurks a tiny toy Yorkie, owned by our reclusive neighbor across the hall. And I know that a few miles to my left, in Los Feliz, live two adorable French bulldog puppies, Luna and Mars, the newly adopted children of our friends, proud parents Mike and Rey. And then of course there's the delicious cocker spaniel I encountered on my walk in the Hollywood Hills yesterday. Everything just stopped for a moment while I went over to her at the gate of her house, petting, cooing, groaning in ecstasy, and then quickly leaving before someone called a restraining order out on me.

When did this obsession begin? That's the weird thing about obsessions. Once they're in full-swing, you can't imagine your life without them. But trying to pinpoint the exact moment they started is hard. It's the same thing with phobias for me. I had a horrible fear of fire when I was six - thought about it twenty-four hours a day, planned my life around possible escape routes, rewrote my mental list of what I would take with me when our apartment blazed-up, (which I assumed it inevitably would), and even being scared to go to the bathroom when I was out with my parents, in case the restaurant caught on fire while I was in there and they either died or got permanently separated from me.

This phobia came on slowly and as the result of a few different incidents. One of which was the charming family film "Lassie Come Home" in which, I believe, our trusty guardian Lassie saves an entire family from a burning house. Around the same time, I saw some dry documentary on PBS about what would happen if an oil fuel truck collided with another vehicle on the highway, (it would blow up, btw. Saved you some time there, eh?), and there was also some Brady Bunch episode involving fire.

Or maybe it was just the Brady episode when they're in Hawaii and they learn about tarantulas and voodoo at the same time. That was plain scary enough to kick off a phobia about anything, I think. Anyway, point is--

Oh, there's a point, Sam?

PEOPLE, THERE IS ALWAYS A POINT. You should know that by now. GEEEZ.

Ahem. The point is, from some combination of these vague incidents, I suddenly was thrust into a year-long obsession/phobia regarding fire. And then just as ambiguously, the phobia ended and I was fine. No longer needing to fall asleep with the bedroom door in a certain amount of openness, no longer needing to keep the radio on all night to fall asleep, no longer "holding it in" until I was sure it was safe to leave the dinner table for a moment to relieve myself.

And similarly, I am now obsessed with getting a puppy. Not in a way that affects my routine bathroom habits, but it does make it hard to concentrate when a member of the canine species is anywhere near by. And it's weird too, because it began with very small dogs - the pursey ones - the ones we're totally embarrassed to admit we like - and now it's pretty much evolved into anything that chases balls (or doesn't), pants (or doesn't), and can be attached to a leash in a city park and taken for a walk.

UUUNNNNGHGHUGNGUH.

See? There it is again. I didn't even SEE a dog that time, I was just thinking about the two that kicked it off for me. They are Jax and Ginger and they are owned by my former-tour-manager-and-now-sister-in-law, Julie. (I set her up with George's brother a couple years ago and, well, let's just say it pays to work for the Shaber.) Both dogs are mutts and both dogs are tiny. Jax is some kind of teensy Gonzo-looking black poodle with a sorta schnauzer face, and Ginger is part Chihuahua, part Papillion, and just part delicious. Jax is more energetic and Ginger likes me more. My love is just completely split between the two. Plus Ginger loves to have her stomach rubbed - really she is a total whore for this activity - which means we are soul-mates, as I have pretty much the same problem. A problem that caused me to continue to sleep with teddy bears well into adulthood. I just need something THERE, in the belly region, in order to fall asleep. Who knows why?

And from Ginger and Jax, I graduated to beagles, specifically the wonderful Phoebe and Rigby (as in Eleanor), proud canine children of my friends Bob and Melissa. Phoebe is obsessed with her ball, and specifically with having humans throw it as far away as possible so she can rise to the challenge. And Rigby has a colorful zigzag down the middle of her back and is just obsessed with lickin' and lovin'. These are the dogs who literally CURED me of my allergy to dogs. (The cat allergy is still alive and kickin', sorry people.) But I now can nuzzle, cuddle, schmoozle, (no idea - just sounds like something one would do with a dog,) and kissle with doggies all I want.

But, we still have the one-room-wrong-lifestyle issue, and therefore, no matter how cute Uno or any other Westminster Best in Show is, we will not be getting a puppy anytime soon. I ache to think of all the adorable unadopted canine children in shelters around this country. I thrill to see one of them in my dreams, being the one I adopt and love for all time, (okay, roughly thirteen years), and I "UNNGHUHGGHUH" when I see one on TV.

And for now, that is all I can do.

Phooey.

But at least I can tell you that I'll be in COLORADO next month!!

(Not much of a segue there, eh? Oh well - they can't all be gems.)

Just playing two shows - sort of a "goodbye" to the Sam Shaber solo touring life before this new band project takes over. So if you'd like to come say "goodbye" to Sam Shaber with me, hope you can make it! I have a cool new skirt I might wear, and I'm enjoying my currently "Chili Red" hairstyle. Maybe you will enjoy it too!

And I am still trying to fill that one extra night in Colorado, so if you're interested in hosting a house concert or a private party on Thursday, March 20th, just reply to this email and we'll tell you what you need to know. And in the meantime, find your leashes, grab a chew toy, leave some food in a bowl, and SEE YOU OUT THERE!

-Sam
p.s. witness the cuteness of Uno!

SHOW IN DECEMBER

Thursday, December 13th, 2007 8:00 PM Mays Landing, NJ
Careme's
Atlantic Cape Community College
5100 Black Horse Pike
Mays Landing, NJ 08330
609-343-5000
http://www.atlantic.edu/aca/cafeSeries.htm
Price: $35
Advance purchase highly recommended - call 609-343-4907 or e-mail simmons@atlantic.edu for tickets. All-ages welcome!
******


We begin, with a devastatingly cute picture of a puppy:




And finally we come, plodding, dripping, slushing, and shopping, to DeShamberber. Ahhh.

But not really "Ahh" at all, is it? No, not so relaxing. More like--

WACKA ACKA ACK ACK RACKA WAH!

Because that is the sound our hearts make as we frantically try to catch up on everything we still haven't done this year. We still haven't started our holiday shopping, we still haven't used that gift certificate from last year that's about to run out, we still haven't signed up for all the Apple Care warranties and frequent flyer clubs, and we still haven't gotten to Bed, Bath and Beyond to use that 20%-off coupon that is STILL sitting on the kitchen table and expires VERY soon.

Dang.

BUT, regardless, here we are. The end of the year. The end of a crazy year, I might add. Debates, fires, floods, wars, writers strikes, and oh yeah, Britney and OJ back in the spotlight.

Oy.

Husband George has been dutifully picketing every day in the Valley outside the Universal gate, marching back and forth across the driveway every time the light changes. Someone with too much time on their hands (i.e. another striking writer) figured out that the picketers walk nine miles a day on the picket line. Good thing too, with all the donuts and pizzas and frappucinos the kindly celebrities keep dropping off. We've all heard about Eva Longoria's pizza delivery a few weeks ago, but have you heard about Ahmet Zappa's delivery of Starbucks? Or the visit from Sinbad (with more Starbucks)? Or Jon Cryer's drop-by the other day to do a few rounds across the street and back? Or the mysterious truck last week handing out hundreds of cans of Hansen's soda?

(Okay, it was a Hansen's truck. Not so mysterious.)

Also on the picket line, new discoveries have been made, such as the purpose of those ominous black tar circles at the crosswalks of some streets. Turns out, they are there to signal the light to change when a car pulls up onto them to wait. Which also means, if a particularly lazy or cell-phone-distracted driver doesn't bother to pull all the way up and sit on that circle, the light never changes for them. George and his picketers have watched this phenomenon several times. However this is followed by the other phenomenon which is that said driver is often SO lazy or SO distracted by their cell phone conversation, that they don't even seem to realize they're sitting there, not moving for ten minutes.

Come on, Los Angelinos, please get it together, eh?

Two weeks ago was the really big Writers Guild rally all along Hollywood Boulevard. To show my spousal support (and because I heard there would be free food) I went with George, grabbed my I SUPPORT THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA sign, (and a free cupcake from the box sitting next to the signs), and headed out into the throng. Within moments, I was handed a pro-strike bumper sticker by none other than Justine Bateman.

Yeah, like Family-Ties-Justine-Bateman. And other-more-recent-stuff-I-haven't-seen-Justine-Bateman. Pretty cool, eh?

She handed me the sticker and smiled, and I smiled back at her, and--

"Hey!" Justine Bateman said to me. Did I mention it was Justine Bateman?

Yes, Sam, please continue.

Right. So, "Hey!" Justine Bateman said to me, "Where'd you get that cupcake?"

"Rrght ovrr thrr by thh sgnns," I mumbled, with a mouth full of cream cheese frosting.

"Oh, I bet that's Simon," said my new friend Justine, referring to the cupcake man. "Was it Simon?"

I could only shrug, still having my mouth full, and also having no idea who Simon is, and wondering how all celebrities seem to know not only each other but also all the cool people in the world, like the ones who make the amazing cream cheese frosted cupcakes.

Justine moved on.

But that was ok, because moments later we were being entertained by none other than Alicia Keys on a small flatbed truck. "Alicia Keys believes in us!" we all thought as we bounced our big red and black signs up and down to the music and watched her give the high-energy performance. "Alicia Keys is with the writers!" we shouted to each other, smiling. "Alicia Keys is one of us and that is why she is singing on this flatbed truck in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard!" we decided. We surely felt this in our hearts and shook our signs harder.

Then Alicia Keys spoke.

"Thank you! Thank you so much! Okay everyone. Now I'm going to do a song from my new album. It's coming out this week…"

Oh. Alicia Keys has a new album coming out. THAT'S why she's on that truck.

Disillusioned, we put our signs down for a bit, which actually freed up a hand to eat the amazing cinnamon scones we'd just been given. Perhaps by the famous Simon.

And then Alicia was done, a few moments of confusion passed, and suddenly we were off and marching. MARCHING! Me! Marching with the striking writers. Shaking my sign up and down for all I was worth! Feeling the solidarity! Fighting the corporate greed of the big conglomerates! YES YES YE--

Wait a minute - is that Deborah Messing? OH my god, it is. I was marching right behind Deborah Messing. Sam Shaber and Deborah Messing, marching together for the rights of the writers. Oh YEAH.

Wait a minute - is that Larry David? LARRY DAVID, YES IT IS! Sam and Larry marching together for the rights of the writers! What a great day--

Wait a minute - is that Garry Marshall? Oh- and hey that's Chris Parnell from Saturday Night Live! And wait- is that? IS IT? OH MY GOD IT IS.

Sandra Oh.

(Those of you who love Sandra Oh, as I do, just had your hearts stop for an instant. Those of you who don't watch TV however, are so bored right now, you could probably skip this month's blog entirely.)

The point is, marching for the rights of the writers is a pretty great thing. If you live in LA or NYC, definitely head down to your nearest Writer's Guild picket line and you're sure to get some good sightings.

And really we need to support them. They're only asking for what we all want - to be paid for doing our jobs. Remember, like when that other assistant quit, and even though you were sort of glad because they were SO totally annoying to work with, you were also really frustrated because that suddenly meant you were being given TWICE the amount of work for no additional pay? Remember how you felt powerless because the corporate heads of state would just fire you and replace you if you didn't just do all that extra work for free?

That's just what the media conglomerates are doing. All those "webisodes" we love to watch late on a Saturday night when we're pretending we're ok with not having anything better to do, those are WRITTEN by WRITERS who aren't getting paid for doing them. They just have to do the extra work or get fired. And every time you watch a free show online, the advertisers are paying the conglomerates to have their annoying commercials in your face before the episode starts, but the writers aren't getting any of that either. BUT NOW! Now we have a chance to stick it to them! Stick it to AOL Time Warner who always raise your cable rates and lose your emails without remorse! Stick it to NBC UNIVERSAL who no longer sell The Office on iTunes! Stick it to THE MAN!

You know how powerless you feel every time your credit card raises your rates, or the cable company refuses just to give you the IFC channel, and instead makes you pay extra because they're "bundling" it with MTV6, VH9, and the WWF? Or like how Verizon said it was only an extra $5/month for unlimited text messaging, but then it turns out to be only 250 messages, so that your next bill has an extra $25 on it, which quickly turns into an extra $35 because of taxes and mysterious service fees?

THIS, people, THIS is what is known as THE MAN.

Now imagine if you could go on strike, meet a lot of other really cool people who totally understand your love for your job and how hard you've struggled to get anywhere with it, and your anger at being taken advantage of by corporate, AND get some free donuts and Hansen's soda?

It's enough to make you want to shake a sign up and down in the air.

Seriously, though, I don't know what it is about those picket signs, the sturdy but lightweight wooden stick they're stapled to, the bright colors, the big rectangle over one's head, but something about them just makes me want to shake 'em up and down. Especially after the sugar rush of a few free cupcakes.

SO.

That's what I'VE been up to.

But enough about me, let's talk about MY DECEMBER TOUR! Yes, all one show of it.

Sam, one show is not a tour. One show? One lousy show?

People, first of all, it's a tour if I damnwell say it's a tour, so don't question me. And second of all, it is NOT a lousy gig, it is actually a very COOL gig in the culinary institute of a very cool college in a very cool town in snowy southern New Jersey.

AND, it's already sold-out, apparently.

Wha??

Yes, this is what they tell me. BUT, if you live in very-cool-New-Jersey and are interested in coming to this show, definitely contact them and find out for sure what the story is. It ain't over til it's… I mean, it ain't over until the fat lady can't get a ticket… you know what I'm SAYIN'?

Sorry. Bit punchy right now as I type this. Punchy for good reason though! It's almost the end of the marathon run of studio time here in Los Angeles, getting the new band album ready for your precious ears! Yes, every day and night since November 26th (that's the Monday after Thanksgiving - yeah, it feels like a lifetime to me too) my wonderful producer Ethan Allen and I (no ottoman jokes, please) have been tucked away in a small garage in the ultra-hip Silverlake neighborhood, rocking away with the new recording!

Well, every day and night that is, except for the two days when we had the whole band in a bigger studio in the much-less-hip Van Nuys neighborhood to record the big drums, slamming bass, and pounding guitars. That was a good two days. Not only because it involved more free food, but because on said instruments were none other than the drummer from THE MOTELS, the bassist from THE FRAY, and the guitar player from GNARLS BARKLEY!

Aaawww, yeeaah. Sammy gots herself some HOT players, people!

And not only hot, (and I mean that), but also the NICEST and most talented folks you could ever hope to meet. AND they also enjoyed the free food, which made us instant friends.

So I can't tell you more right now, but just trust me when I tell you to put "Bigger Speakers" on your holiday list, because you are going to want to crank this jam up LOUD, my friends. Like punk rock loud. Like sign-shaking, stickin-it-to-the-man, Sandra-Oh LOUD.

The one thing I can tell you, is that we are no longer called The Bones. Yes, I too, was very sad to see this perfect and perfectly-applyable name go, but alas some metalheads in Sweden have gotten to it first, and while I can't say I'm a huge fan, I do admire their good taste in band names. And yes, I could've forged ahead and just vowed to become a global force with my The Bones, before they are able to do it with their The Bones, but they already have about 12,000 more "friends" on myspace, so to avoid a future lawsuit, I have let it go, and am now in an identity crisis of epic pop punk band proportions.

But, name or no name, we shall prevail! And I hope to have something to sell you sometime in the new year. In the meantime, hope your 2007 was good to you, hope you have a great DeShamberber and a wonderful holiday season, and if you live in super-cool-New-Jersey, hope to see you out there!

Sam
p.s. Why don't we end the way we began? With another devastatingly cute photo: